I was single, a teenager, and dealing with some major emotional turmoil when I found out that I was pregnant. I was already in a really hard place, and then I had to face a major moral dilemma! Everyone thought I should have an abortion. I remember at my first pre-natal checkup, the doctor suggested I go straight to the abortion clinic. But I had this feeling that I couldn’t ignore that I wanted to keep my baby. I’m so glad that doctor listened to my heart and was willing to recommend that I contact Mother’s Choice. I remember going online to learn more about the organization and making that first call to their crisis hotline. A social worker answered my call and my first question was – “can you help me if I’m pregnant?” I so wanted and needed someone to talk to and give me support.
As my baby grew inside me, I went back to the doctor to get more ultrasounds. At one of my appointments, I heard my baby’s heartbeat in the womb…beating and beating. I can’t describe how wonderful that experience was for me. I couldn’t have imagined one person’s body with two different heartbeats! I could hear both my heart and my baby’s heartbeat at the same time. In that moment it dawned on me that this little creature inside of me was a microcosm of the magnificence that we call life. I don’t know how to explain it, but from that moment on I had this sense of confidence and faith that no matter what happened, I would do anything to protect this precious life. But that was only the beginning of our journey…
Hope for Overcoming Prejudice
A friend of mine once cried with me about an experience she had on the MTR. She is a 28-year-old married woman with three children, but she looks really young, like a 13-year-old girl. She was pregnant with her third baby and sitting on the train, when a lady who she did not know came up to her and said: “How could you get yourself pregnant at such a young age? Does your mother know about this?” My friend answered that this was her third child. The lady interrogated her again and said even louder: “Your third baby?! You are going to have your third baby at the age of nine?!!” My friend, already feeling quite helpless and embarrassed, tried to tell this busybody lady that she was already in her 20s.
Many of the previous generations married and became mothers in their early 20s. Yet, today’s generation of young mothers are often labelled as a “bad girls”, and are on the receiving end of a lot of criticism.
I have also been questioned by older women about why I still let my daughter ride in a baby stroller because she looks older than most children of her age. I have even been accused of not knowing how to be a mother.
Since joining Mother’s Choice on staff, I’ve had opportunities to truly get to know other young mothers. I discovered that many of these young girls have a strong sense of responsibility for their lives. I often organize workshops for them, eat with them, listen to them, and along the way, I eventually get to understand them better. They are willing to share their stories with me. Contrary to what many people think, many of these girls actually consider their responsibilities and decisions very seriously. The reason why I agreed to be interviewed by the media about my own experience of becoming a young single mother is that I hope our society will overcome prejudice against young mothers. But after reading the comments on my interview, I found that so many people only judge us by our age – they believe that young girls should not be mothers. They are judging young mothers by their appearance only, and completely ignoring everything else about their histories. Rarely does society even see young mothers as people with complexity. I can say that from personal experience, being criticized with such unkind and cruel judgements is deeply discouraging and disappointing. I want people to know that you can still be a good mom, even if you are young!
A Mother’s Love
My daughter E’s classmates sometimes ask her about her father, and she says, “I don’t have a father.” I don’t think a family always needs to have a “father” to be complete. I try to explain to E that there are a lot of families that don't have one of either a mother or a father, but the main thing is that you have at least one person in your life who is for you. At Mother’s Choice, where I work, there are many children who don’t have any family at all. The children are loved and cared for by a number of volunteers who are like their big brothers or sisters while my colleagues fight for them to join a loving forever family, because everyone needs at least one person to be there for them. But the sad reality is that there are also many more children who are living in violent or emotionally abusive and neglectful home environments, and those children may not have anyone to be there for them at all. Sometimes E is exposed to news about child abuse or domestic violence, but she knows that in her world, at least she has a mother who loves her very much.
When E was born, the doctor discovered that there was a polyp on her eyeball. The extra tissue impacted her eyesight, she would get strange looks from other children and it started to make her feel bad. So E had to undergo an operation when she was 2 years old. On the day of the operation, I was so scared that I would never see her again. I was really frightened, even more so than when I gave birth to her. E was going under general anesthesia, and as I watched her slowly fall asleep, she was still crying, “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy…” I really broke down at that moment. I asked the doctor: “How long will the operation take?” The doctor said: “It could take half an hour.” I tried to sound optimistic and said: “Oh, that’s good! I will go and buy some drinks and come back later.” The doctor promised to call me after the operation. After waiting for over an hour, my mother knew that I was very anxious and suggested that I go back to the operation room to find out what happened. When I saw that the red light outside the operating theatre was still on, I knew that the surgery was still not over. There were no doctors or nurses going in and out, and I couldn’t help but wonder what was going on inside the room. I was so desperate and I broke down again. I kept on knocking on the door, and as soon as I saw a nurse, I asked her about my daughter’s condition. I wanted to know whether the operation was still underway, or if my daughter had already passed away…3 hours later, I finally heard E’s cry and the doctor called me in. It took a long time for the operation because it was E’s first time going under general anesthesia. E also needed time to wake up after the operation, when the general anesthesia had left her system. That was the longest 3 hours of my life. I was so afraid of losing her, afraid that I would never see her again.
My love for E is like a “hedgehog”. A hedgehog’s back is full of spines; it can be very aggressive and it can protect itself from threats, but its abdomen is very soft. When I am afraid that my daughter will be hurt, I shield her under the comfort of my soft, hedgehog abdomen. I gently cradle her close to me and I do my best to protect the two of us.
