When Troy and I got married, it was not just the two of us joining together but also the coming together of Troy’s children, Colton and Riley, and my child, Jamiee. Despite already having three biological children between us, Troy and I always knew we wanted to adopt. So after four years of marriage, we started our journey. We were approached early on to consider adopting a child with special needs. Although we had not considered it before, after further research and exploration we decided to go for it. Even though an initial opportunity to adopt a child with special needs fell through, it really opened our eyes and showed us what we were willing and ready to commit to.
At first, Troy and I had thought we wanted to adopt a baby, but when we met Nolan – who was two years old at the time – we just knew he was our son. Nolan has quadriplegic cerebral palsy, he is able to bear weight on his legs but cannot walk or stand. I have a cousin with cerebral palsy, and Troy is a physical education teacher and had worked with students who have different ranges of cerebral palsy. As such we were aware of the challenges that may lie ahead, and just naïve enough not to be intimated.
When we returned home to the US from Hong Kong with Nolan, we discovered he had a little buddy back at WeeCare. We reached out to find his friend – hoping to find his adoptive family so the boys could connect. We soon discovered that not only was his friend not adopted, no one had even enquired about this little boy. When I told Troy, we both knew immediately what we needed to do.
When we finally brought Francis home we were very excited about reuniting the boys. Despite being apart for so long, the boys immediately remembered each other. Francis loves to hold Nolan and every morning gives Nolan hugs and kisses. This is especially precious because Francis is autistic, and a lot of children with autism do not like being touched. They are very typical brothers, they love each other and bug each other. They clearly have such a special bond and are able to communicate with each other in a way none of us will probably ever fully understand.
When Troy and I started our journey, we never imagined that it would lead us to adopting two special needs boys into our blended family. And now watching our five children together, it is like they have always been siblings and that Nolan and Francis have always been ours.
Dispelling Fears
Many fears arise at the thought of adopting a child with special needs, as the task just seems too daunting. But if someone were to observe our day-to-day lives, they would see that any additional care required for a special needs child – perhaps feeding tubes or medicines – becomes a part of your daily routine just like caring for any child. The fears and worries are no different from bringing home your first newborn child – you worry you don’t know what you are doing or how to care for the baby – but then you figure it out and it all comes together. On the outside looking in, it may look intimidating and some people may feel the disability the child has is too severe. That just breaks my heart, because when it’s your own child, just as when I look at Nolan, you do not see them as severe. Our days are easy because we are a family and we do what it takes to take care of each other, just like all families.
That’s not to say we do not have our challenges. When we first brought Nolan home he connected with us right away, but it took time for Francis to bond with Troy. Francis did not have much contact with male caregivers, so he had a hard time trusting Troy and he really knew how to test his limits. So we changed our parenting roles - I became the stern one and Troy would say yes to basically everything so they could connect, and it worked. The language barrier was also a challenge with Francis, as he came to us a bit older and he would instantly get frustrated when we could not understand him. With autism his brain functions in different and at times unexpected ways, so we found hugging it out with him is the best way to help him through the difficult times.
Hugging it out may seem like a small thing, but not so for autistic children who typically do not like and often resist touch. For Francis to not only accept our embrace but also to be comforted by it is a miracle in itself. Generally, adoptive children have a hard time accepting love as many come from hard circumstances. This was not the case with Nolan and Francis as their ability to know love and accept love is largely thanks to the love they were shown and had received at WeeCare. And as such their transition from Mother’s Choice to our home was made a lot smoother as they readily accepted our love.
We also need to give thanks to the tremendous amount of support we have received from our church and our families. Our pastor’s wife has really connected with Nolan and Francis, she understands the challenges and knows how to take care of them. As such, Troy and I drop off the boys with her when we are at church on Saturday nights and it has become like a date night. That couple of hours, one day a week, means a lot to us. We have also relied on family support, especially when both boys needed surgery which required Troy and I to be at different hospitals at the same time. Teamwork and family support saw us through those times.
One thing we discovered is that there is a lot of government support for children with special needs. With this assistance we have hired a nurse who comes to our home and accompanies Nolan at school to ensure he takes his medications and that the environment is safe during the day. I think it is important for people to know that assistance is out there because when both parents are working and you are dealing with complex needs, having that extra support just makes the day to day so much more manageable.
Family is Forever
We always knew we wanted to adopt, but we never imagined we would have these two amazing boys with special needs come into our lives. When we are out with Nolan we often get sympathetic looks as he is in a wheelchair. I have even had people stop us to say, “God bless you for taking care of them”. I find such looks and comments hurtful because if they knew Nolan and Francis they would know that we are the ones who are blessed by having them in our lives. They do not need others to feel bad for them, for Nolan and Francis this is their normal. Nolan has always been a happy boy and he just loves life! He loves to cuddle and has this amazing ability to know when you’ve had a tough day and just need that extra bit of love. And Francis is so smart. He realizes that some people do not understand him so he figures out different ways to help them understand. And when he hugs me he likes to be cheek to cheek and would say “my soul” because I tell him his hugs are good for my soul.
The coronavirus pandemic brought a new dimension to home life. While I have always worked from home, Troy is usually gone five days a week but now he has been at home for nine months. Francis has really grown attached to Troy, he goes to find Troy from the moment he wakes up and is generally with him until he goes to bed. At times it can be challenging, but Troy has never had this much time to spend with the older kids so he has become much more connected now with what goes on at home and enjoys this time with the boys.
Our five kids have bonded each in their own way. Colton, our eldest, had just finished high school when Nolan and Francis were adopted and there was an instant connection. Riley is now 22 and teaches autistic children, so she perhaps has an even deeper connection with Francis. Jamiee was the most affected by the adoption as the older kids were soon off to college or working. She loves Nolan and Francis, and they love bugging her – like many little brothers in any typical family. Looking at us you would know Nolan and Francis are adopted, but if you knew how our family life functions you would never know that they were not always ours. Watching the five of them it is like they have always been siblings.
So what does family mean to me? The first word that comes to mind is “forever” because when you love each other you find ways to work things out. As different challenges come up, don’t overthink it, just do it. Our days are easy, caring for special needs kids is not hard to us because these are our kids, this is our family, and we will do what it takes to take care of each other, always.
